motherhood is not for everyone. as soon as you pee on that stick and realize that there is a sweet, kind, angelic gem growing inside you , you have to become selfless and say "fuck me, it's about them"
being a mom, mommy, mother, ma, caregiver, servant, chef, "doctor" , stylist, superhero, milk maker, santa, all of that is tough. There is no grandma, book, blog, TV show, etc that can even almost prepare you for the roller coaster you ride until your last breath.
To me in the past 6 years my motherhood challenges have ranged from hitting rock bottom with my one year in tow to setting my pride aside & enjoying life - yes that's a challenge.
In 2009 I was in a horrible place, I made horrible decisions & I decided to pick myself up & do something I never imagined. I took my 1 yr old pride and joy and went into a shelter. I was homeless, unemployed, had no car & was surprisingly pregnant. Cluster fuck right ?
|First pre-school pictures at my new job!|
|Fun in the shelter|
I was a wreck, the first week , every night , I held this unbothered & very happy little person close to me and cried. I was in a shelter, a fucking shelter. I am by no means better than anyone but how did I get here? I didn't belong with "these people". Right? Wrong. The people I lived with were also at rock bottom & from all walks of life. Some were battered women, some were ex cons, some were drug addicts , hell some were just single mothers trying to survive with one, two & sometimes three babies in tow.
After the first week I joined a church. I walked there with my stroller, new friend & her baby girl. I was a believer but I was in no way the God fearing woman I am today.
I prayed , I cried, I sang, I listened.
I applied to places everywhere. & you know what, I got a job. Was it perfect from there, no! I had to take the three buses in the winter , with my baby boy and it sucked. But every time I looked at him and he smiled and giggled at me like I was the best thing he had ever seen I knew I had no choice .
I went into the shelter in November & by February we had a car, a steady income, preschool & a 2 bedroom apartment.
This challenge wasn't coming to terms with the fact that I hit my lowest. It was maintaining the "perfect mommy" that my son knew me to be. He deserved that. I faked smiles, while secretly stressing & crying when he was unable to see. My challenge was not to be selfish and blame God for allowing me to miscarry but to realize Keyyon was here and he was my priority , my purpose and my constant push.
|Christmas in our new place!|
Fast forward five years. Here I am married with two children. A whole new level to motherhood. A whole new set of challenges.
Since I was fourteen I've worked. I paid for everything I needed & the only time I wasn't able to do that was when I was homeless.
Well that changed when my husband and I decided that working full time with both boys was not worth it. It made more sense for our family & finances to stay home.
Sounds perfect right. Being a SAHM; in yoga pants, drinking starbucks , watching trash reality TV & running out at three for school pick up.
HA! as much as I felt like a bad ass bitch working 8-12 hours and being a mama , lately at the end of my days I feel like a bad ass bitch times ten!
Being a working mom I wasn't married, I only had one child and I was in a different place. Now, I'm a newlywed, mother of TWO and finally becoming the woman I've always wanted to be.
It's a constant juggle. I'm new to the married life; I've been with my husband five years but not as his wife. Not depending solely on him to provide for us. Not seeing him work two - three jobs to give us what we need. Not being Christians together. Not parenting two boys who are five years apart. Not growing into a union in a way we weren't ready for as boyfriend and girlfriend.
While also juggling a five year old who has been the only child for his whole life. How do I give him attention and praise and love while he's entering kindergarten & growing & becoming a big brother. He needs me in a way that he's never needed me.
Not to mention a newborn, who I've decided to breastfeed and co-sleep with, in the summer while chasing a five year old who is out of pre-k, while I'm also recovering from my second c-section.
motherhood is not for everyone. We all go in blind hoping and praying we don't mess up !
I've been through all sorts of motherhood challenges. I was a single mom, a homeless mom, an unemployed mom, a mama mourning more than one miscarriage, a working mom , a newlywed mom , a mom of two , a breastfeeding mom, & a SAHM.
I sucked at them all & I kicked ass at them all. That's the beauty of it. Motherhood brings challenges every day, in tons of ways but the main goal in every challenge is to succeed and overcome the challenge your way, with your babies, on your time.
cheers to motherhood; on our terms.
* I also want to acknowledge those mama's who enter motherhood by adopting their babies & becoming a step-mother. I don't ride that roller coaster but you TOO are a bad ass bitch.